"Let's pay attention only to where we are. There's enough beauty in being here and not somewhere else." ~Fernando Pessoa One of my favorite quotes yet a difficult one to follow at times. We live in a busy world of social media and Pinterest, smart phones and filters, a world of instant perceived perfection; perfection that we can strive and strive for and never reach.
As the three year anniversary of my husband being diagnosed with a terminal illness came upon us I finally came to the realization that even though doctors give a timeline and medicine and science provide the facts; only God knows when our time is up. I started running 75 runs ago, that sounds kind of funny because I have been a runner since grade school, a lot of my life was spent running; but that was different, that was competitive running, running for records and points for schools and teams. 75 runs ago, I started running for me, to clear my head and keep my sanity, to stay grounded and to figure out how to start paying attention to only where I was. It's a work in progress but today I felt some pay off.
We spent Thanksgiving at my sisters today with family. We packed our contributions for the dinner, and headed off. We sat in my sister's kitchen/dining room/family room at her vintage table, a great bargain she landed that sat all of us comfortably with the leaf. The homemade place mats and fall decorated napkins holders adorned the table, we had turkey themed paper dessert plates, and lots of food. My eight year old niece read a child's Thanksgiving prayer from a coloring page she had decorated, it was really beautiful and we all clapped when she was finished. We stuffed ourselves with turkey, mashed potatoes, stuffing and all the fixings. After dinner the kids went off to play, we laughed at my niece eating a huge turkey leg and grazing on it for another hour after we had cleaned up. My grandfather dosed off for an afternoon nap while we sipped wine and beers and chatted about nothing. We ate dessert- cupcakes, cookies, pies and coffee; the kids squirted Reddi Wip in their mouths straight from the can as we scolded them to at least use a bowl. Bert entertained us with his Tobii, changing voices with different accents and tones, the kids squealed with giggles as their Uncle Bert acted silly. My sister made an offhanded comment that it was funny how the kids just acted like Bert speaking with the Tobii was normal. We noted how for them it is all they have ever really known since they were little when Bert got sick. I fed Bert cookies and milk while we listened to Sophia and my bother in law play guitar in the next room. As we packed up to go home I realized that we had been there five hours. I did all the things I usually do, cart the ramp from the van to get Bert into the house, feed him, help him use the urinal, wipe his nose, floss his teeth, reposition him...only today it didn't seem like I did any of those things, it was such a "normal" day I hadn't even felt like I had been a caregiver. I just felt like me. When we got home and I was transferring Bert into his recliner he said matter-of-factly that he had a really nice day, me too I said; I had a really nice day too.
Happy Thanksgiving
xx~Jennifer
As the three year anniversary of my husband being diagnosed with a terminal illness came upon us I finally came to the realization that even though doctors give a timeline and medicine and science provide the facts; only God knows when our time is up. I started running 75 runs ago, that sounds kind of funny because I have been a runner since grade school, a lot of my life was spent running; but that was different, that was competitive running, running for records and points for schools and teams. 75 runs ago, I started running for me, to clear my head and keep my sanity, to stay grounded and to figure out how to start paying attention to only where I was. It's a work in progress but today I felt some pay off.
We spent Thanksgiving at my sisters today with family. We packed our contributions for the dinner, and headed off. We sat in my sister's kitchen/dining room/family room at her vintage table, a great bargain she landed that sat all of us comfortably with the leaf. The homemade place mats and fall decorated napkins holders adorned the table, we had turkey themed paper dessert plates, and lots of food. My eight year old niece read a child's Thanksgiving prayer from a coloring page she had decorated, it was really beautiful and we all clapped when she was finished. We stuffed ourselves with turkey, mashed potatoes, stuffing and all the fixings. After dinner the kids went off to play, we laughed at my niece eating a huge turkey leg and grazing on it for another hour after we had cleaned up. My grandfather dosed off for an afternoon nap while we sipped wine and beers and chatted about nothing. We ate dessert- cupcakes, cookies, pies and coffee; the kids squirted Reddi Wip in their mouths straight from the can as we scolded them to at least use a bowl. Bert entertained us with his Tobii, changing voices with different accents and tones, the kids squealed with giggles as their Uncle Bert acted silly. My sister made an offhanded comment that it was funny how the kids just acted like Bert speaking with the Tobii was normal. We noted how for them it is all they have ever really known since they were little when Bert got sick. I fed Bert cookies and milk while we listened to Sophia and my bother in law play guitar in the next room. As we packed up to go home I realized that we had been there five hours. I did all the things I usually do, cart the ramp from the van to get Bert into the house, feed him, help him use the urinal, wipe his nose, floss his teeth, reposition him...only today it didn't seem like I did any of those things, it was such a "normal" day I hadn't even felt like I had been a caregiver. I just felt like me. When we got home and I was transferring Bert into his recliner he said matter-of-factly that he had a really nice day, me too I said; I had a really nice day too.
Happy Thanksgiving
xx~Jennifer
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