Grief is exhausting. There are all different ways to grieve, different time frames for everyone, but one thing that is constant is how it sucks all your energy. Oh, and you can grieve without it actually involving death. I think grief is very misunderstood in our country, we assign a certain number of days for grieving someone who has died based on where they fall in the immediate family for Pete's sake. I always thought that was ridiculous, who is anyone to say how someone should feel about the death of another human or how long it should take a person to get over it. And you can forget it if you let grief from something like a terminal illness get in the way of work or school or life, then you will be advised to seek counseling. Well, I for one am grieving every day and so are my kids and my husband and everyone in my family who is witnessing this disease called ALS. We are grieving and I don't know for how long, maybe it will be forever but it's ok, we are not going to get over it or accept this "new normal" (p.s. I hate that term so don't say it to me). I don't need counseling, I need a cure for ALS. I am grieving my old life, I am grieving my husband losing his body, his ability to use his hands, eat, bath, wipe his butt just to name a few. I am grieving how things used to be, running together, biking, geez really just walking. I am grieving an uninterrupted nights sleep, one that was without turning and re-positioning every hour or two, one without coughing and grunting, one where my tired husband could just rest because he could move by himself like we all do while we sleep. I miss how it used to be, when he would get up before me, quietly get ready for work in his suit and tie and kiss me good bye. I miss coming home to him mowing the lawn and then telling me he'd be back in an hour as he jumped on his bike. I miss drinking a beer together after a long run on our back porch, we can still drink a beer together but not after a run and not without a straw and some help. I am grieving. And I am not ashamed of it. I grieve not only for him, for my kids, for me, I grieve every time I have to type the words so sorry for your loss. Tears come every time for people I have never met but have an unbreakable bond of being in the same horrible situation as us. I am so sorry for all of our losses.
But, I realized today that I can grieve and still be happy. That sounds crazy but it's true. Everyone in my house stayed in pj's till about 2pm today...we felt yucky and unmotivated, I felt guilty, like a bad example for my kids. I got my act together and ran a few errands before taking my son to basket ball practice. I was in a bad mood for no reason other than I hate ALS and it pisses me off that it is stealing my husband and so many others, I was irritated that for three solid years I have had those three letters in my head 24/7. I was annoyed that I had an unproductive day when I have so much to do. So, I went for a run, a really long one. I ran and ran and with each step I wished that I could run ALS right off this earth. I ran thinking of all grief I had inside me and not just for ALS. I felt the grief of losing my friend to cancer two years ago (where did that time go?), I felt grief for my friend who lost her husband and her son who lost his dad to cancer, I felt grief for my friends going through a divorce and their son, I felt grief for my mother in laws friend who's husband just heard the words you have ALS. I ran and ran and ran and grieved. So sad, wishing that things were different. Then about four and a half miles in it hit me that if you are really living this life to it's fullest, really loving your family and your friends hard, really feeling true happiness and experiencing all the good this world has to give then you will at some point experience grief. Love does not come without loss, that is what makes it so great. The loss is hard and it hurts but the more it hurts the more you have lived and loved. I ran thinking of my faith which has been wobbly since ALS but I have not wavered from clinging to my grandmother's rosary every night. I loved her and still grieve the loss of her sixteen years later, that just goes to show how much I lived and loved with her. That grief will never leave me. I ran and ran and at mile six I started to feel like all that running had shed a little of my sadness making some room for me to finish the last couple miles thinking of all the people and experiences in this life that I am so grateful for; my family, my children's smiles, my dogs, my husband's sense of humor even in the midst of all his suffering, his amazing example of love he has for the kids and me, so much love that he keeps fighting every day and doing it with a smile. I thought of all I have experienced in this life and I felt hopeful. I think I can grieve and still make room for happiness. My guilt washed away with all my sweat, I ran that final hill to my house with purpose, and when I was finished I felt strong. Damn it ALS, you are tough but you will not beat us; love cannot be taken, even after death it is still there. I walked into my house to find Alley and Bert watching in the NBA Finals and Alex intently explaining to Bert the stats on Steph Curry. Life is good. It's ok to feel grief for as long as you need to and even forever, but it's ok to make room for happiness too.
"Hope beings in the dark, the stubborn hope that if you just show up and try to do the right thing, the dawn will come. You wait and watch and work: you don't give up" ~ Ann Lamott
I will never give up on hope and I will not stop living this life to the fullest everyday. I will love and I will love hard which means I will grieve, but it will be ok because I will always nudge that grief over and make room for happiness. #alwaysapositive
xoxo ~ Jennifer
But, I realized today that I can grieve and still be happy. That sounds crazy but it's true. Everyone in my house stayed in pj's till about 2pm today...we felt yucky and unmotivated, I felt guilty, like a bad example for my kids. I got my act together and ran a few errands before taking my son to basket ball practice. I was in a bad mood for no reason other than I hate ALS and it pisses me off that it is stealing my husband and so many others, I was irritated that for three solid years I have had those three letters in my head 24/7. I was annoyed that I had an unproductive day when I have so much to do. So, I went for a run, a really long one. I ran and ran and with each step I wished that I could run ALS right off this earth. I ran thinking of all grief I had inside me and not just for ALS. I felt the grief of losing my friend to cancer two years ago (where did that time go?), I felt grief for my friend who lost her husband and her son who lost his dad to cancer, I felt grief for my friends going through a divorce and their son, I felt grief for my mother in laws friend who's husband just heard the words you have ALS. I ran and ran and ran and grieved. So sad, wishing that things were different. Then about four and a half miles in it hit me that if you are really living this life to it's fullest, really loving your family and your friends hard, really feeling true happiness and experiencing all the good this world has to give then you will at some point experience grief. Love does not come without loss, that is what makes it so great. The loss is hard and it hurts but the more it hurts the more you have lived and loved. I ran thinking of my faith which has been wobbly since ALS but I have not wavered from clinging to my grandmother's rosary every night. I loved her and still grieve the loss of her sixteen years later, that just goes to show how much I lived and loved with her. That grief will never leave me. I ran and ran and at mile six I started to feel like all that running had shed a little of my sadness making some room for me to finish the last couple miles thinking of all the people and experiences in this life that I am so grateful for; my family, my children's smiles, my dogs, my husband's sense of humor even in the midst of all his suffering, his amazing example of love he has for the kids and me, so much love that he keeps fighting every day and doing it with a smile. I thought of all I have experienced in this life and I felt hopeful. I think I can grieve and still make room for happiness. My guilt washed away with all my sweat, I ran that final hill to my house with purpose, and when I was finished I felt strong. Damn it ALS, you are tough but you will not beat us; love cannot be taken, even after death it is still there. I walked into my house to find Alley and Bert watching in the NBA Finals and Alex intently explaining to Bert the stats on Steph Curry. Life is good. It's ok to feel grief for as long as you need to and even forever, but it's ok to make room for happiness too.
"Hope beings in the dark, the stubborn hope that if you just show up and try to do the right thing, the dawn will come. You wait and watch and work: you don't give up" ~ Ann Lamott
I will never give up on hope and I will not stop living this life to the fullest everyday. I will love and I will love hard which means I will grieve, but it will be ok because I will always nudge that grief over and make room for happiness. #alwaysapositive
xoxo ~ Jennifer
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