But, I realized today that I can grieve and still be happy. That sounds crazy but it's true. Everyone in my house stayed in pj's till about 2pm today...we felt yucky and unmotivated, I felt guilty, like a bad example for my kids. I got my act together and ran a few errands before taking my son to basket ball practice. I was in a bad mood for no reason other than I hate ALS and it pisses me off that it is stealing my husband and so many others, I was irritated that for three solid years I have had those three letters in my head 24/7. I was annoyed that I had an unproductive day when I have so much to do. So, I went for a run, a really long one. I ran and ran and with each step I wished that I could run ALS right off this earth. I ran thinking of all grief I had inside me and not just for ALS. I felt the grief of losing my friend to cancer two years ago (where did that time go?), I felt grief for my friend who lost her husband and her son who lost his dad to cancer, I felt grief for my friends going through a divorce and their son, I felt grief for my mother in laws friend who's husband just heard the words you have ALS. I ran and ran and ran and grieved. So sad, wishing that things were different. Then about four and a half miles in it hit me that if you are really living this life to it's fullest, really loving your family and your friends hard, really feeling true happiness and experiencing all the good this world has to give then you will at some point experience grief. Love does not come without loss, that is what makes it so great. The loss is hard and it hurts but the more it hurts the more you have lived and loved. I ran thinking of my faith which has been wobbly since ALS but I have not wavered from clinging to my grandmother's rosary every night. I loved her and still grieve the loss of her sixteen years later, that just goes to show how much I lived and loved with her. That grief will never leave me. I ran and ran and at mile six I started to feel like all that running had shed a little of my sadness making some room for me to finish the last couple miles thinking of all the people and experiences in this life that I am so grateful for; my family, my children's smiles, my dogs, my husband's sense of humor even in the midst of all his suffering, his amazing example of love he has for the kids and me, so much love that he keeps fighting every day and doing it with a smile. I thought of all I have experienced in this life and I felt hopeful. I think I can grieve and still make room for happiness. My guilt washed away with all my sweat, I ran that final hill to my house with purpose, and when I was finished I felt strong. Damn it ALS, you are tough but you will not beat us; love cannot be taken, even after death it is still there. I walked into my house to find Alley and Bert watching in the NBA Finals and Alex intently explaining to Bert the stats on Steph Curry. Life is good. It's ok to feel grief for as long as you need to and even forever, but it's ok to make room for happiness too.
"Hope beings in the dark, the stubborn hope that if you just show up and try to do the right thing, the dawn will come. You wait and watch and work: you don't give up" ~ Ann Lamott
I will never give up on hope and I will not stop living this life to the fullest everyday. I will love and I will love hard which means I will grieve, but it will be ok because I will always nudge that grief over and make room for happiness. #alwaysapositive
xoxo ~ Jennifer